


Good News, Bad News

by bluecinderella4



Series: How I Met Your SHIELD [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-28 04:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5077780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluecinderella4/pseuds/bluecinderella4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fitz and Simmons await important news and Hunter comes across another interesting discovery. Main plot based off of the 'How I Met Your Mother' episode "Bad News", subplots borrowed from "The Sexless Innkeeper" and "Sandcastles in the Sand".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good News, Bad News

**Author's Note:**

> Though the main plot is 'Bad News' (season 6, episode 13) this story features subplots from two other HIMYM episodes. One is 'The Sexless Innkeeper' (season 5, episode 4) because I thought of a (hopefully) funny line I could use that worked well if I used the plot from Bad News. The other is 'Sandcastles in the Sand' (season 3, episode 16) because someone made a request and I found a way to work it in here.
> 
> If you've seen it or know the episode's plot, then you kind of have an idea of what's coming and I only ask that you please don't spoil anything.

"How often have you been trying?" the SHIELD doctor directed this question to Fitzsimmons.

"A lot."

"Four times a week for the past six months," Fitz and Simmons had each answered at the same time.

Fitz fidgeted in his seat. "Though her answer's prob'ly more accurate."

"It doesn't really seem like frequency's the problem," Simmons noted. "I should also note that we've experimented with different positions."

"We've also tried different locations. There's our bedroom, the lounge, the lab, Mack's garage, that one time in Coulson's office, a couple times in the kitchen, we've even done it in your bathroom for God's sake!"

"Fitz!"

"Uh…that last one might have been a bit of an exaggeration."

"Uh-huh," the doctor was visibly uncomfortable while reaching for a business card. "I'm going to give you the name of a reproductive endocrinologist affiliated with SHIELD," the doctor passed the card to Simmons. "Maybe you two should talk to him."

" _Him_?"

"Thank you, Doctor," Simmons thanked as she stood up.

Fitz reached for his wallet and handed the doctor some money. "This should be enough to cover repairs."

The doctor gave him a questioning look. "Repairs for what?"

"Plumbing...maybe a new soap pump for the sink."

...

"I mean if it's not frequency, or location, or positions, then the problem lies with one of us and it's more than likely my fault," Simmons was on the verge of a breakdown.

"Jem, don't-"

"Fitz, even statistics agree that fertility problems are more likely to be caused by the woman. Sixty percent-"

"Can we not have this kind of talk at the dinner table guys?" Daisy was the one who ended up asking. "You know, try not to make things awkward."

"Too bad there's absolutely nothing else to talk about," Bobbi looked around the room. "Seriously guys, anything?" Collective 'nos' encompassed the table. "Fitzsimmons' fertility it is."

Mack made an observation. "I'm surprised Hunter isn't here, the dude always finds something to talk about."

"I thought it was surprisingly quiet."

"Did he tell anyone where he was going?"

"Probably his wife," Daisy replied.

" _Ex_ -wife," Bobbi felt the need to add. "And yes he did tell me."

"Where is he?"

"He's visiting family."

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah."

"So is it like a personal thing?" She noticed Bobbi glance over at Simmons. "Does this involve Simmons?"

"Hunter's sister had a baby," Simmons informed them. "Bobbi didn't want to say anything given the current situation for fear that it would upset me. While there is an obvious hint of jealousy, please ask Hunter to send my congratulations to his sister."

"It'll happen when it happens, Jem," Daisy assured her.

"It's just taking too bloody long."

"It usually happens when couples stop trying."

"We've tried not trying," Fitz muttered.

"So does Hunter have a niece or a nephew?" Mack veered to a different topic.

Bobbi seemed more than grateful to switch subjects as well. "Nephew, his name is Liam Jacob Andrew Wallace."

"The kid has three middle names?"

"Wallace is the last name. Hunter's sister is married now."

"Oh right, a few months ago he had to fly back because…" Mack noticed the expression on the only married couple's faces. "So Director Coulson, do we have any new missions?"

"Slow days, guys," Coulson didn't take his eyes off of his dinner.

"Excuse me," Simmons excused herself from the table and went to her room.

Fitz debated whether or not to follow her, but decided to resume his meal (he was hungry after all). "So who made the spaghetti tonight?"

…

"I bet he's adorable," Bobbi was on a video conference call with Hunter.

"Of course he is; he's got the Hunter DNA in him," Hunter paused, "oddly enough he looks nothing like his father." Bobbi's mouth formed an 'oh'. "I'll text you some pics later, love."

"You do that."

"Oh, and I won't be coming home tomorrow."

"Did something happen?"

"I have to make a quick stop to Malaysia. Apparently there's another music video from Skye's DeLimit."

"And you know this how?"

Hunter held up a CD. "I found this at a local record store. I had the liner notes translated and she thanked Mandy Moore and November's _Mr. Handsome Teen Hunk Magazine_ Winner, Li Hiro Chan for appearing in her video."

"Mandy Moore wasn't in ' _Uh Oh'_."

"Exactly! Which means-"

"There's another music video!" the exes finished together.

"Do you know for which song?" an excited Bobbi questioned.

"No, but the Malaysian fans will!"

"Honestly, I'm kinda hopin' for the song  _Every Day in Between_ to be the other music video."

"I'm just glad amazed these music videos even exist."

"Well if you do find out, let's keep it just between us."

"For now."

"Hunter!"

"It's got to be as equally shameful as the first one, if not worse. How can I not use this against her?"

"Hey, someone's coming, drop the subject!" Bobbi turned to see Mack and Fitz come onto the scene. "Hey guys."

"Hey Bobbi," Mack noticed the screen. "Hunter."

"I see we're coming back from the garage gents," Hunter pronounced garage like 'gare-ahj' the way most Brits did. "We still workin' on that thing?"

Mack held up his latest project. "Fitz and I have been spendin' the last few weeks on it, and it's finally done."

"Fitzy was able to get away from the bedroom long enough to help you finish that?" Fitz blushed and tried to look away. "Come on lad, you're over thirty and you've been married for a year at the least."

"One year, seven months, and sixteen days," Fitz corrected under his breath.

"Leave the guy alone Hunter," Mack chided. "At least he's gettin' some."

"Can we seriously not talk about this?!"

Fitz's plea went ignored as Hunter questioned back, "Who says I haven't?"

Mack looked at Bobbi, but she held her hands up defensively. "Don't look at me."

"Hunter," Mack made eye contact with him, "it's pretty obvious you're going through a dry spell—why else would you be constantly talking about sex?"

Hunter quirked a brow. "Dry spell?"

"Prove that statement wrong."

"For your information, a friend of my sister's slept over in my hotel room last night. I'd invite her into this conversation, but she left about a half hour ago."

"Doesn't mean you got laid."

"Yeah, I'm gonna go," Fitz walked away.

It wasn't as if they noticed. "What was that poem you made up a while ago? Something about a sexless innkeeper? Do you remember that Bobbi?"

"I remember," Bobbi nodded. "How did that poem go again?"

Mack cleared his throat.

 _"Twas the night before New Year's_  
_And the weather was rough_  
_It was three in the morning,_  
_I was still at the pub._

 _The pub was nearing empty,_  
_The gas lights grew dim_  
_The horse-drawn carriages_  
_Were all but snowed in."_

"Did I really make it sound that Dickensian?" Hunter interrupted.

"Hunter," Mack started, "it's a poem."

"And those were your exact words," Bobbi remembered. "Mack, could you please continue?"

"Happy to," he resumed his place.

 _"Last call was approaching_  
_And my fortunes looked bleak._  
_Then I turned to my left_  
_And stifled a shriek_

 _She had a peach-fuzz beard_  
_And weighed sixteen stone_  
_She gobbled a whole chicken_  
_And swallowed the bone_

 _I muffled a scream_  
_And threw up in my mouth_  
_I asked where she lived_  
_And she said, 'one block south'."_

Mack's voice had deepened at the last part.

"Do you even know what sixteen stone is?" Hunter inquired.

"If memory serves: in the United Kingdom, a stone is fourteen pounds. So that would be two hundred twenty-four pounds American, and about a hundred and two kilograms British."

"Lucky guess."

"Moving on…"

 _"I swallowed my pride,_  
_And six shots of whiskey,_  
_I prayed to the gods_  
_'Please don't let her be frisky'_

 _Back in her cave_  
_She prepared us a snack_  
_'Neath her mighty hooves_  
_The floorboards did crack_

 _Yet when leaving the kitchen,_  
_She found a sound sleeper._  
_And thus she became_  
_The sexless innkeeper."_

As Bobbi applauded, Mack took a bow.

"Was the poem really that stupid?" Hunter asked.

"You're the one who came up with it," Mack reminded.

"I s'pose I walked into that one. I never should create things so cleverly stupid that they may one day be used against me."

…

May knocked on the door to FitzSimmons' room. A groggy Fitz answered the door wearing wrinkled shorts and a white t-shirt. "What'd I do now?"

"Conference call for you Fitz." May noticed the obvious. "Simmons isn't here?"

Fitz yawned as he stretched. "She went to see someone about…that thing."

"And you stayed behind?"

"She asked me to."

"Oh."

"It'd also be a bit awkward listening to Jemma describe everything to a _male_ doctor."

"Doctors have been known to be men, Fitz."

"Put whoever it is on hold while I get dressed."

"I don't think she'll appreciate that."

"Who is it?"

"It's your mother."

"Mum?" Fitz made his way past May and headed where he was supposed to go. When he accepted the call from Eleanor Fitz, the first thing he saw on the screen startled him.

"Leopold?" it was an up close shot of his mother's eye.

"Mum, you're too close to the camera; back up a bit."

"Oh," his mother stood up and backed toward the wall. "This better?" she waved.

"Every bloody time," Fitz grumbled. "Mum, just sit in front of the computer like a normal person." His mother did that. "Thank you."

"I just thought I'd check on me boy, see how everything's goin'," Eleanor spoke with a thicker accent than her son. "Haven't heard from ya in a while."

"I've been busy."

She eyed his wardrobe. "Busy sleepin'?"

"Mum, do you know what time it is over here?"

"How's Jemma?"

"Jemma's fine, Mum."

"Then why don't I believe ya? We're video chattin' Leopold, I can tell by your expression's something's off."

Fitz sighed. "We were gonna surprise you, but Jem and I are tryin' for a baby." Eleanor squealed in delight. "Don't get excited too soon, Mum, nothing's happenin'."

"How long has it been?"

"According to what Jemma told the doctor: four times a week for the past six months."

"Woo! That's my boy."

"Mum!"

"Honestly Leopold you're a grown man!"

"That kind of talk comin' from my Mum doesn't make it any less awkward!"

"So ya think it's a medical thing?"

"Jemma's gettin' herself checked out to make sure."

"I don't think there's nothin' wrong with the both of ya. Give it time son, it'll happen." Fitz shrugged. "So how's the spy work goin'?"

"Mum, I'm not a spy."

"Keep tellin' yerself that, Leopold." Her son rolled his eyes. "Ack! Don't be rollin' yer eyes at me!"

The phone in Leo's pocket began to buzz. He took it out and looked at the caller. "Mum, it's Jemma, I gotta take this."

"I understand, I gotta be goin' anyway. I just wanted to check on ya, tell ya I love ya."

"I love you too, Mum."

"Don't be a stranger." Eleanor blew her son a kiss and closed the lid on her laptop effectively ending that conversation.

Fitz, on the other hand, started a new one. "Jemma?"

" _I just wanted to let you know I'm on my way home,"_ Simmons told him

"How'd it go?"

" _I won't know anything for a couple of days, but that's to be expected."_

"What was the doctor like?"

There was an audible sigh on her end. _"I know what you're implying."_

"Can you blame me?"

" _He was a complete gentleman who was one hundred percent competent in his profession and I felt comfortable with him. He was also very honest in how they would be doing the analysis. I suppose I was recommended to him because he has delivered offspring of SHIELD agents that have had the potential for alien DNA. You have no reason to be jealous."_

"Was he handsome?"

" _Ugh, Fitz!"_

"It's a perfectly natural question."

" _I suppose he was attractive for a man of his age."_

"And what age would that be?"

" _Fifty-four Fitz, the same age as your mother."_ Suffice to say, it got awkwardly silent on Fitz's end. _"I suppose there's no proper way to end this conversation so I'll hang up now. Love you_."

…

"Got any sixes?" a bored Daisy asked an equally bored Fitz when they were lounging around a few days later.

Fitz shook his head. "Go Fish."

She picked a card from the scattered card pile. "Damn."

"My turn," Hunter seemed a tad less bored. "Daisy, got any sixes?"

Daisy glared at him as she handed him two cards. "Bastard."

Mack huffed as he stared at his cards. "We have got to get some new missions soon."

Everyone perked up when they heard an excited squeal followed by the sound of someone fast approaching. That someone was a very excited Jemma Simmons. Simmons ran over to Fitz and gave him a great big kiss. "I just got some news!"

Fitz wasn't the only one interested to hear what she had to say. "And?"

Simmons bit her lip before blurting out, "I'm extremely fertile!"

A wide grin spread across Fitz's face. "Seriously?"

"Seriously!"

"Jem, that's great," he pulled his wife in for a hug. "I told you there was nothin' to worry about." He stood up and pulled out his phone. "Mum's been askin' for updates so…" he paused.

"Fitz?"

"I'm the one with the problem."

"Fitz, please, you're being ridiculous."

"But it has to be somethin' wrong with me! You and I have had unprotected sex well over two hundred times in the past six months and you're the one in the clear! It's me! I'm the problem!"

"Problem?" Hunter scoffed. "You can't get a woman pregnant; that's the dream."

"Don't make me slap you," Mack said to him.

Daisy leaned forward. "Fitz, are you sure you're the problem? Have you gotten checked out?"

"Not yet," Fitz answered, "but if my own 'extremely fertile' wife can't get pregnant than it has to be my fault."

"Seriously, it'll happen if you stop trying."

Simmons went over to Fitz. "We'll hold off telling your mother about this until after you get yourself properly examined. You're probably worrying yourself over nothing anyway."

"Yeah, and you like to call your Mom whenever something _good_ happens to you."

"You're right," Fitz agreed. "I for one am _not_ gonna be the one to call my Mum and tell her that her only son can't give her a grandchild." Fitz stormed off toward his room.

"He'll be fine," Simmons tried to assure. "I sincerely doubt he's the one at fault. I suppose we'll just have to keep trying."

"Hear that guys," Bobbi joined the group, "you don't have to worry about getting laid; Fitzsimmons is having enough sex for all of us."

…

"I couldn't do it, Jemma!" Fitz called to Simmons as he entered the Playground a couple of days later, knowing they were the only ones there. "I couldn't make myself-"

"Leopold, Darlin'," apparently he caught Simmons in the middle of a conference call.

"Mum!"

"Leo," Jemma began, "your mother called to ask why you suddenly stopped talking to her. Should I be the one to tell her, or should you?"

"Mum, could you give me and Jem a moment alone," he pulled Simmons out of earshot. "What did you tell her?"

"I didn't tell her anything. She was worried about you and thought she'd try a conference call."

"Yeah, well I have to get worried about this," he held up an empty container.

"You brought that here?"

"I couldn't do it there! It's uncomfortable to pleasure myself in a room where others guys do the same thing. And honestly, their magazine collections weren't all that good."

"And you came back here?"

"I knew the team would be gone and I feel more comfortable in the bathroom in our room."

"Okay, fine, I'll try and stall your mother."

"Thank you."

"Wait, before you go," she did a brief dance for him that flaunted her assets.

"Aw, Jemma, thank you." He headed toward their room. "I'll be right back, Mum."

"Goin' to go spank the monkey?" Eleanor was blunt in her approach. "I believe that was the term ya used."

"MUM!"

"Don't play daft with me son, I know what that lil' cup you're carrying's fer."

"You don't have to be so blunt about it."

Simmons stepped forward. "Eleanor, my results came back fine, and now your son's afraid he may be the one with the fertility issues."

"I just didn't want to have to tell you there's a chance I can never give you grandchildren."

"Is that all?" Eleanor questioned.

"It's kind of a big deal, Mum."

"Darlin' I don't care whether or not ya make me a grandmother. All that matters is you're happy. Are ya happy?"

A small laugh escaped Fitz. "Yeah," he nodded to his mother, "of course I'm happy."

"And there are other alternatives to havin' yer own lil' wee ones. It's not like it's a requirement or anythin'. I'm yer mum; I only care if you're happy." Fitz smiled. "Well ya best be gettin' to ya business. I gotta get ready anyway; yer Uncle Henry's comin' over later to help me shovel snow."

"Tell him I said hi."

"Will do," Eleanor blew him a kiss. "Love ya, son."

"I love you too, Mum." Eleanor lowered her laptop lid. "Honestly, she has to learn she can end the conversation without closin' her laptop."

…

That same evening, Hunter met up with Bobbi in her room. "I've got it," he held up the disc. "You finish the entire album?"

"About ten minutes ago," she took the disc from him. "It doesn't say anything."

"He didn't write it on the disc?" Bobbi shook her head. "I asked him to."

"Did he tell you which one it was?"

"Track three."

" _Sandcastles in the Sand_?" an excited Hunter bobbed his head. "Have you seen it yet?"

"No, I promised I'd watch it with you."

"So let's watch this sucker." Hunter started up the video. "Cue obvious beach setting." Hunter snickered at that.

Sure enough, the music video was at an obvious beach setting. Daisy, aka Skye's DeLimit, had the long hair from the previous video; the only difference was this time it was noticeably permed. She was also wearing a white dress. Hunter and Bobbi had to stifle themselves trying not to laugh as some boy (November's _Mr. Handsome Teen Hunk Magazine_ Winner, Li Hiro Chan) rode over to her on a white horse. When Skye sang about how her friends said she was a fool, it cut to three girls in Catholic school outfits calling her a fool.

The one in the center stood out. "There's Mandy Moore," Hunter pointed. They continued to watch this " _Romeo and Juliet_ " story play out on the beach. "God this video is everything I've ever hoped for."

"And more." Skye's DeLimit started singing the chorus amidst an array of sandcastles. "Oh, there goes the title!"

"You know if you re-edit this, you could make a tampon commercial." Bobbi swatted him. They kept watching the terribly lame music video until it ended. "Have another watch?"

"Why not?" Hunter restarted the video. "Maybe we can even have a sing-along."

The twosome watched the video a few more times, even singing along once or twice. But somewhere along the ninth viewing, they stopped watching.

…

"Should be gettin' my results back soon," Fitz was talking with Mack over lunch. "It doesn't take as long to analyze because it's just sperm."

"I thought sex talked creeped you out?" Mack inquired.

"Not when it's for scientific reasons."

"Ah, that's understandable."

Hunter entered the kitchen whistling. "Morning gents."

"It's a little past noon."

"Is it really?" Hunter looked at his watch.

"Where'd you get off to last night?" Hunter gave off an evil chuckle. "What?"

"Got a little poem for ya, Mack."

 _"Twas the night before this one_  
_I had hours to kill_  
_I was doing my reporting_  
_On parchment with quill."_

Hunter raised an eyebrow. "With quill?"

"Mack, it's a poem," Hunter mocked. "And I usually write out my reports in pen before I type them. Continuing on…"

 _"As the evening drew on_  
_I met up with a maid_  
_We enjoyed many a viewings_  
_Before getting laid."_

"Crass, much?" Fitz asked him.

"Many viewings of what?" Mack questioned.

"It's not polite to interrupt a person mid poem," Hunter chided.

 _"It felt so right_  
_Though some may think it wrong_  
_There we sat on her bed,_  
_And brother, it was on_

 _We ripped off our clothes_  
_As our passions grew deeper_  
_And thus ends the tale_  
_Of the sexless innkeeper."_

Mack laughed. "You definitely made that up."

Hunter smirked as he reached across the table for some food. In his hand, he held two pieces of fruit. "Did I?"

The ringing of a phone distracted the men. When Fitz looked at the number calling him, his eyes went wide. "Guys, this is it!" He answered his phone. "Hello?" There was a pause as Fitz listened to what the person on the other end was saying. "Thank you," he hung up his phone with an unreadable expression.

"Well?"

Fitz shrugged. "My sperm's fine." Hunter and Mack congratulated him. Afterwards, Fitz breathed a sigh of relief. "I gotta tell you, I was so worried; I thought it'd be bad news."

Mack gave a congratulatory pat on the back. "We told you there was nothing to worry about, Turbo."

"I gotta go tell Jemma," Fitz quickly scarfed down his food and ran to his room. "Jemma, I've got some good news!" Simmons was sitting on the bed shaking. "Jemma?" Fitz ran over to find her sobbing. "Jemma, what's wrong?"

She wiped away some tears before looking him in the eye. "Something's happened." Fitz sat down beside her. "I just got a phone call from my father. He said your Uncle Henry called him because he couldn't find your number and your uncle doesn't have the code to activate a conference call"

"Is everything alright?"

"No, and there's no easy way for me to tell you what I have to tell you."

"Tell me what?"

"Leo…Leo your mum…your mum died."

Fitz's heart sank. "My mum's dead?" Maybe he heard her wrong. "Are...are you sure?" Simmons nodded. "Wha-how?"

"Later after she talked with us, she slipped on some ice and hit her head. She didn't think anything of it, not even when she complained of a headache, and told everyone she was fine. Eventually she lost consciousness and when they rushed her to the hospital…it was far too critical. The cause of death was Epidural Hematoma. I'm so sorry."

"No," a shaky Fitz stood up and paced, his hands resting on the back of his neck.

"Leo-"

"NO!" he let out a scream and punched the wall. Simmons ran over to her husband and wrapped her arms around him trying to calm him down. "It's not fair!" Fitz was sobbing by this point.

"I know," Simmons stroked his hair.

"For God's sake she's never gonna meet her grandchildren!" Not knowing how to respond to that, Simmons quietly shed some more tears and consolingly rubbed Fitz's back. "I'm not ready for this."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm in a sad mood myself because my beloved cat that we've had for all 14 years of her life died last night and I had to do something productive to take my mind off my grief so that's why this was posted so quickly.
> 
> Also, the line I mentioned in the beginning notes was the Bobbi line in the scene with Simmons' good news.


End file.
